Thursday, February 14, 2008
Happy Valentines Day...If that's your sort of thing!
Here's a little Valentines Humor for you.....I personally didn't get a thing, so I have to make fun of this stupid, stupid day!
I must warn you, the humor is crude and the language is "colorful"...if that is not your sort of thing...then stop reading now!!
You have been warned.....
There were three men drinking in a bar, a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself!"
How honest are people likely to be in describing themselves or what they seek? This is a compilation of possible interpretations of the most commonly used words and phrases in the Lonely Hearts columns.
AFFECTIONATE LADY SOUGHT
Schoolboy seeks filthy-minded older woman with gigantic tits.
Likes to decorate the Christmas tree, or: broke, smokes a lot of dope and talks nonsense about Existentialist Espressionism.
For a pygmy.
Her mother used to tell her that she was a beautiful little girl. That was 45 years ago.
BISEXUAL GIRLS SOUGHT
Dirty old man wants to watch lesbians in action.
BONDING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHT
"Bonding" is the key word. Expect handcuffs and leather implements.
Old, divorced, fat. Sells fake furs in flea markets.
Exceptionally so. Sagging, too.
CARING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHT
Sponging, 100% supportive relationship sought.
Owns a 1958 Morris Minor.
Obscure Facts About Valentine's Day
FACT: People have heard about the Valentine’s Day Massacre. It was where Al Capone had men from a rival Alcohol smuggling gang gunned down with machine guns at close range. The part that the history books don’t tell is that the killing was a mercy killing motivated out of love, not greed. You see all these men would have eventually died from liver failure from all the booze. This was a much less painful way for them to go.
FACT: Before carrying out his famous act of cutting off his ear and sending it to a woman as a sign of his affection, Van Gogh considered cutting out and sending her the Valentine's Day symbol of love, his heart. Fortunately Van Gogh knew a guy who was a doctor who talked him out of this, because Van Gogh still owed him a painting for which he had prepaid.
FACT: One condition of Hawaii becoming a state was that it begin to celebrate the Holiday of Valentine’s Day. Valentine's Day, the day celebrating love, was previously not a part of their island culture... of hate!
FACT: St. Valentine, the Saint after whom the Holiday of love is named, spent his life honoring vows of celibacy...
...Or did he?
FACT: The improper celebration of Valentine’s Day has resulted in many unforeseen and irreversible consequences. One example is herpes.
Well, if you are like me, and Valentines Day isn't your thing....then I sure hope you enjoyed my humorous approach to it....
And now, in the interest of providing all points of view, a Valentine's Day Poem, by Michelle McGiffin: (This is not my point of view, as I do have a significant other..a significant other that doesn't believe in celebrating Valentines Day, but a significant other none the less....the following poem is for those of you that don't have anyone, have been burned by someone, generally hate Valentines Day worse than I do)....
Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So there's the story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!