Thursday, July 3, 2008
Happy 18th Birthday Tim......
Wow...18! Where has the time gone....I swear it just seems like yesterday that I was in the hospital, scared to death, in labor...wanting my Mom (your Grandma)...trembling with fear, knowing she could'nt be there as I gave birth to you....my first born son, (I was homesick, knew no one...wishing I could have had you in SC, so that my family could be there) A son? I thought to myself..I don't know anything about taking care of a son....I was scared. But, I had your Dad...I knew he had been through having kids, with your half sister and brother, Amanda and John, so at least one of us had a little experience. I think back and I realize I was only a year older than you are today, when I became pregnant and had you. When I first found out I was expecting you, I admit...I was terrified! I didn't fully accept that I was pregnant until I was about four months along, and I felt you flutter inside of me for the first time! Wow! It thrilled me beyond measure...all through out those remaining months...I lived to feel you move....it completely and utterly amazed me....I poured over pregnancy books, magazines...any and everything I could get my hands on, I so wanted to be the "perfect" mother for you. Your Dad and I started buying little clothes, diapers....everything I thought you would need (according to the books)...we made a trip down to SC and your Aunt Michelle and Melanie gave me a baby shower...your Grandma Spearman gave us your cradle...the very cradle that each and everyone of you have slept in, the very cradle I hope to pass on to you for your children one day. I knew you were going to be a boy....so, we had lots of blues/yellows and greens. When we returned home from SC, I washed all of your new little clothes, your Dad put the cradle together, and we started the countdown.
Before I knew it...your due date was fast approaching....It was June, I was hot, fat and so wanted you out...I couldn't wait to meet you. I had heard so many old wives tales regarding starting early labor....not all of them I felt comfortable trying, but the one your Dad and I did religiously, every evening, was to walk...boy, did we walk....Then, on July 2nd, your Dad and I went for a really long, vigorous walk, came home, I took a shower, your Dad went to bed. No sooner had I laid down, and rolled over to my side, my water broke! I jumped up, your dad jumped up....your Dad verified...yep! It's your water alright! Your Dad got a little frustrated with me...he was ready to go immediately, but..you know your Mom....I couldn't go to the hospital without fixing my hair and make up...Ha..ha....
Overall, my labor with you wasn't too bad...once I got the epidural! :) You gave us a scare at one point...your heart rate dropped really low, the Doctor was concerned the cord was around your neck...so, he said he would be back in a few minutes to check me, if I wasn't progressing....well, then I would have to have a c-section...I freaked out....I willed you to chill out, get that heart beat to normal....slowly and steadily, your little heart beat picked back up....the Doctor checked me, said I could push....with the help of some really huge forceps...they were able to get you out....you didn't cry at first...I immediately started crying, "What's wrong...What's wrong with my baby"....but, then...they laid you on my stomach...and you let out this little tiny whimper...kind of like a puppy....you opened up one little eye, peaked up at me...and I instantly fell head over heels in love with you....I was a mommy! What a wonderful feeling. I have never felt such pride and accomplishment...Oh, my God...the love I felt...my heart could hardly take it. I remember, like it was just moments ago, holding you that very first time. I remember that night, after your Dad had left, picking you up out of the bassinet...pulling the little blankets off, and just marveling at every teeny tiny little inch of you. At that very moment, I realized, everything I had ever done, everything that had ever occurred in my life, up until that moment, was in preparation for you, the most important job, the greatest honor, the most amazing joyful expierience I could ever have had.
You brought such joy and happiness into my life. Every single second I had was spent adoring you, taking care of you...I didn't want to put you down...who could resist...just look at how cute you were:
There was nothing I wouldn't do for you...even today, I still feel the same. I hope you always know, that no matter what, I will always be here for you, I will always stand by you and protect you with the same ferociousness that I did when you were little.
We have been through a lot, you and I....you have stood up for me and stood by me from the time you were seven years old, after your Dad and I split up...you wouldn't let him talk down to me...you stood up for me with him, through all of the hell that John put us through..we shared many tears together, didn't we? I apologize to you for any pain I may have caused you growing up..just know that everything I did, I always did with the best of intentions...for you and your brothers. Sometimes, I made mistakes...which caused some misunderstandings, resentment and confusion between us. I am certian that there have been times you have felt distance from me, as I have felt from you, but today, I still feel that we are close...the bond of first born son, and mother....will never go away, no matter the distance and responsibilities that keep us apart today.
You have grown up so fast...especially the last five years....it has been very hard on me, to lose most of those years with you, since you went to live with your dad....that was the hardest day of my life, the day I had to let you go....it broke my heart, but I knew that was what you wanted...regardless of the sadness and hurt that I felt, as a mother, I had to put that aside and allow you to make that choice...for your happiness.
Now look at you....you have matured into such a wonderful, fine young man. I think back to when you are a toddler and I would never have imagined the day you would turn 18...I wished I could have froze those moments and kept you little forever. You were such a happy baby (once we got out of the colic phase)and toddler...you were always hamming it up for the camera...every thing you did was a "kodak" moment and you were always ready to have your picture taken....even today, you cheese it up, don't you?
The grin, the curly hair....I couldn't fathom how cute you were....
Tim, as a son, especially my first born, I know I have held you accountable for a lot...my expectations of you have always been of the highest....and son, you have gone above and beyond those expectations. You are awesome...one of my favorite people to hang out with....you make me laugh...you put the twinkle back in my eye....you have always been the funny guy, always doing something to make someone laugh...I honestly "can't take you anywhere"...you find humor in everything.
Always the life of the party...from your imitations of Jim Carey to the drunken old man, you have a way about you that just draws people to you....being around you makes people happy. You are so sociable, so well liked and have always been that way. Even today, I stand back and watch you with your friends, and I am in awe....What a wonderful person you have truly turned out to be. For instance, when I went to Collett Park with you and observed you before your prom, with all of your friends, your girlfriend...you brought me to tears. I stood there and it was at that moment I saw the wonderful man you were turning into...I realized, My baby you were no more. I left you there, to enjoy your first real "adult" night out, I felt so forlorn..but, also, happy....Happy that I gave you life...amazed at what a short time I had had with you.
That is how I feel today...happiness, mixed in with a little sadness. Eighteen years have just flew by, I can't say that enough...and I am proud, proud of the wonderful job your Dad and I have done with you. You have a strong work ethic, a strong sense of family and you are very loving and heartfelt person. Your little brothers adore you....especially Max and Aaron...You are Max's best friend and he thinks the sun rises and sets with you. Justin loves you and admires you too...he is just not one to vocalize it as much. Being their big brother carries a lot of responsibility, and I pray that you will always be there for them, long after I am gone....don't be afraid of that responsibility....continue to be and set good examples for them to follow, never be afraid to show your love to them.
They truly adore you...
Even in the above picture...Max wasn't here yet, but I remember that Christmas Eve night, everytime he would hear your voice, he would kick the living day lights out of me.
As far as where you go from this point forward...I don't know. I hope you have much joy, much laughter, many smiles, much happiness, much love. Tim, I can never put into words what a great part of my world you truly are, or what a large portion of my heart you have claim to. You were the one that made me a mother for the first time. You have made my life truly interesting and worthwhile, and for that I thank you. 18 years ago, I had no idea how lucky I was going to be, having you for my son. You are truly one of my life's greatest accomplishments. I swear, I will always be here to listen to you and I want you to know that you will always have my support and my love for you will always be undying. It is my hope, my wish, my intention that I will always be a strong force in your life, as you are in mine...It is my wish, my hope, however misguided it may turn out to be, at times-that you will always let me.
You are beginning a wonderful stage of your life and I hope to help you along your path by sharing some of the best of what I've learned. Just know that I love you and always will. I will be there for you when I can.
Happy 18th Birthday, my son! I am so proud of you that my heart bursts....thanks for choosing me to be your Mom!
Thank God you got my good looks! You are one handsome devil! Ha! Ha!
Love always and forever,