Subject: Diary of a Snow Shoveler
I guess you folks all know it snowed here last night. Here's a little something to warm up your souls.
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window
watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds
again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and
closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want
to see snow again.
I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our
neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped
to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.
God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in
my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day.
Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but
they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower,
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches
of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til
August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I
had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was
too tired to shovel!
Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter;
but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she
nuts!!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I
think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack.
If I ever catch the son-of-a----- who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him
through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling
and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow
all over everywhere I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25: Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the
!=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my
blood boil.
God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have
a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's
a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was
all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber
came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to
replace all my pipes.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now
suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but
also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went
home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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