Monday, April 7, 2008
Three Day Hiatus....Due to Stress...System Overload...
Sorry, everyone...just haven't felt much like blogging over the last few days. As I have mentioned before, my Commercial Manger here at work quit..which kind of left me holding the bag so to speak...with his job and mine. I have been beat. So, I just kind of took a three day reprieve..or whatever you want to call it. I am tired. So tired, that all I want to do is go home, crawl back in bed. But, just like here at work, it would be the same at home...no rest for the weary.
This is what I really need...
BY MYSELF!!!!!!!!! FOR A WEEK!!!!!!!
But...along with the stress...and system overload... I guess I am disillusioned as well..'cause that isn't going to happen either.
The weekend, once again went by in a blur for me. I feel like I have been hit by a truck...mentally, emotionally and physically. Of course, this weekend was my weekend to have the little ones...I love them dearly, but they too are a huge source for my stress....they fight constantly...All week long...not just on the weekends...mind you. I don't know what to do...I feel like not being able to control them, I am failing as a parent....My older two boys never behaved this way. Sure, they fought, but not nearly to the level these two younger boys do.
Max, the five year old, tags along behind his bigger brother Aaron, who is eight and a half....he wants to play with him, play with his things...constantly...I feel like Aaron hates him...the level of stress they inflict upon me is insurmountable. They are constantly picking on one another...now, I know that is common, for brothers/siblings to fight. I fought with my brother, argued..even hit each other. Until we were fighting so bad one time, our Mom conked our heads together..pulled the coffee table out of the way, shoved us together..told us to fight it out...she made us fight people...until we were crying that we didn't want to fight each other. If I recall...it worked...we didn't pick on each other or hit each other nearly as much. But, I don't want to condone the fighting between the two of them, so I don't know if that approach would work with them. All I can say is they are driving me crazy and I need to find a solution. I show both of them lots of love and affection, not one more than the other, either. So, I don't think its for attention. If Max doesn't get his way, Good Lord the whining that ensues....I think sometimes, Aaron picks at Max, just to get him going, to irritate him, my husband and Max. Then the hubby jumps in, he is not Aaron's Dad...puts me in the middle, between my eight year old, the hubby and Max....I just can't win.
I love my family, I spend the majority of my time, giving all that I have to them...leaving almost zero time for me...yet, I don't think they care. My kids are lazy...it's like pulling teeth without any anesthetic..to get them to even pick up after themselves. It takes threats and lots of nagging, way too much time to get them to even clean up the toys they drag out. Usually, I get so exasperated, I just do it....and I know that is where my problem begins. With me....I spent so much time, doing everything for Aaron, out of guilt, from the hell we endured under the hand of his father, that I have spent way too much time trying to make him and keep him happy, that I pretty much have let him walk over me...now, Max is doing the same. I think Aaron resents my Husband and Max...so, he rebels...it's just getting worse. He has started to "mock" me, backtalk me....I need to nip it in the bud.....now. Before it gets even more out of hand, but I don't know what to do. I am afraid if I am too harsh on Aaron, then he will just run to his Dad, tell him all sorts of things, making them worse than what they are, then I will end back up in court with the dope head, jobless loser....I feel damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Now, Max does his fair share as well...he pits me against Aaron...pulling Keith, my husband, his Dad...into the mess...which puts me smack dab in the damned middle.
See...I can't win.
Same at work...I hate this freaking job. I would love to find another one. But, the pay is good, the hours are good, and it conveniently works with Keith's third shift schedule, so...he doesn't want me to look for another job. I am stuck...in a dead end here as well. There will be no advancement for me here...the people I work with are all ass-kissers to the higher ups..makes me sick. I have said it before, and I will say it again...I am like the red-headed step child of the office. I don't fit in with the weirdos...they have their own little cliques'....of which I am not included. Seriously, I walk in the door in the morning, no one speaks to me. I have been here an hour and a half already, not one person has said a damn word to me. They won't either, unless it's work related.
I don't smoke...the majority of them do....so, they take 10 minute smoke breaks, every thirty minutes....it pisses me off! I don't take a break at all, except for my lunch break...so, I sneak and blog. If they ever find out, I will definitely use the others smoking in my favor. Sometimes, I just don't care....it would make my day for them to fire me. I literally get sick at my stomach, every morning, when I know I have to get up and come back to this sorry ass excuse for a job. I do not want to see myself working here for much longer...I have got to get out of this place....I have got to find a happy medium...the stress at home sometimes is too much to have to deal with it here too.
Like I said..the old cliches...caught between a rock and a hard place..damned if I do...damned if I don't...that describes me to a tee....
I know there are probably some of you out there going, "Well, get off your pity party, do something about it".....it is not that easy. If only it were....I guess, I just needed to vent. As far as the kids fighting goes....what do you do to curtail it between your kids....any suggestions or advice would be very much appreciated. I have tried time-out, taking things away from them, etc....doesn't work. I don't spank....Keith will spank Max occasionally, but due to Aaron's father...we don't touch him....he would have Aaron taken out of our house and me thrown in jail in a heartbeat....but, I swear...deep down, I feel like that is what he needs...a good old fashioned ass whooping....these days and times though..that just isn't acceptable, like it was when I was a child...funny thing is though, back in my day...kids respected there parents a lot more....parents were never afraid to spare the rod....kids were much better behaved.
So...I don't know....spanking aside....cause I know I can't do that...what can I do???
Dixie needs your advice.....
As far as the job situation...I think I am going to revise my resume' and see what I can find. I used to be an Operations Manager at a 330 bed hospital....now, I work for a freaking fertilizer company...ironic, huh? There is a new hospital being built here where I live...two, as a matter of fact. I think I am going to go online and submit my application....I would just about take any type of job, to get out of here....if the pay and hours were comparable.
Well...I have rambled long enough....got to get back to work....I hope you all have a great week!