Monday, December 29, 2008

Things aren't good right now....


Wow, I can't believe it's been a week since I posted.....

Not a lot I have to say, I guess...I am glad Christmas is over....I do believe this year was the worst Christmas ever.

The little boys had a good Christmas....so did my two oldest, but not from me...

Their dad bragged about how he spent over $600 a piece on them....I couldn't even begin to touch that. I was only able to give them a small amount of money. I had some put back to give them, but Christmas day, we had a flat tire, before picking them up, so I had to take money from their Christmas money I had saved to replace the tire.

Hubby and I have been arguing a lot...over money, go figure. Christmas night, when the older two boys were up, tensions were high, hubby and I were arguing, stupidly, in front of the kids and my 18 year old went off on me.....he cussed me, talked to me like I was a dog....F this, F that...a side of him I have never seen before....telling me I should manage my money better....all because he was pissed over me not having enough for him for Christmas, I am sure...although he didn't come right out and say it. Anyway, we were downstairs, and my son was screaming at me, cussing at me, hubby and 14 year old were upstairs, and 14 year old looked at hubby and said, "Oh, my God, I think he hit mom"...of course, hubby saw red, came flying down the stairs, grabbed 18 year old by the shirt, they started fighting, 14 year old and I had to seperate them...it was awful...I have never been so ashamed, so hurt and felt like such a bad mother in my entire life. 18 year old started bringing up everything from the past, his dad and I divorcing, how he has put up with so much bullshit....I swear, I have done nothing but given him love and all that I could. His behavior was so out of line...I am still nursing hurt feelings over this....I am still upset.

I currently have some freaky rash, spread all over my neck onto my chest...I think it may be hives...possibly because of my nerves..I don't know. I am tired, I am exhausted and I feel depressed. I need to figure out a way to get out of this funk that I am in...Hubby's attitude is that I just need to "get over it".."let it go"....
Everyone apologized...18 year old, hubby and myself...but the rest of the visit with them was strained, uneasy..I doubt my son will come back to visit me again.

I wish it had never happened...I wish our finances were better...I wish I could do more for my kids than what I can....I wish I were a better mother.

6 comments:

the planet of janet said...

i'm so sorry, hon.

sending many many hugs.

Sicilian said...

Dix. . . I have been cussed by my 20 year old. Not fun. . . a side of our children we don't want to see. I am sorry about that mess, but just know that money problems come and go. Relationships are the key. I know that it will be hard for you, but try to set back those hard feelings against the 18 year old. If he comes to see you he comes, and if he doesn't it is his problem. All you can do Dix is control you, and I don't know about you, but me controlling me is a major task.
I have been struggling with depression and hurt this Christmas season too. Can't tell you how to fix it, but I know that just getting over it doesn't work.
Hugs Girlie!
Ciao

Flat Coke and Flies said...

Men don't relate to emotions, especially depression. They get depressed in an entirely different way than we do. All I can say is surround yourself with as much positive as you can...music, tv, kids, and even tho it would go against all you believe, food. You've gotta make yourself happy.

I'm sorry about the big fight. If everyone apologized that's the best thing that could have happened. Trust that when they said I am sorry they meant it. Men don't hang on to things like we do. They probably won't ever mention it again...it's probably best you don't either.

DIXIECHICK said...

Janet, thank you so much!

Sicilian...you don't know how much I appreciate and heed your advice. Thank you so much for your input. It truly helps to know that I am not alone...Hugs to you as well.

Flat...You are so right. Men totally don't understand, nor can they relate. I am trying to be more positive...and as Sicilian says, if he doesn't come around, that's his problem. I will try and put my hurt feelings aside and go on as if nothing ever happened. One of these days he will look back and realize how wrong he was, and realize how much he truly does need his mom. Thanks.

i beati said...

I guess that gift you got when divided many ways did not stretch that far. Every family in America has controversy at the holidays . It's a National Joke ,. My mother is saying something to my sister that will annihilate her,..bottom line is you've risen above more than this in the past..ou can do it . you can be the best you can be....

Big Pissy said...

Sicilian gave you GREAT advice. :)

I sincerely hope things are better for you now. :)