Tuesday, January 6, 2009
How's it going?
Sorry I have been M.I.A lately....I am entering my extremely busy renewal time at work, files stacked up to my chin, with data entry to do...very long, tedious process. I am working through my lunch....and I am so tired, I am sitting here contemplating running down to the Village Pantry for a Red Bull...coffee is just not cutting it. I haven't been sleeping well, practically none for the past two nights....exhaustion is a word that describes me well. I think I will be taking myself a sleeping pill tonight...insomnia and I are not friends!
Guess I still have a lot on my mind...still haven't quite got over my 18 year olds behavior Christmas night. I think indirectly it affected 14 year old as well. I call to talk to them, conversation seems forced/strained....I asked 14 year old if he was going to come up for the weekend, he usually says yes, but this time...he hesitated adn said "I will try"....so, I doubt that he will be up. Sigh...I just don't know what to do...I feel like somehow, since I didn't give them this big Christmas, that I have let them down. The ex doesn't require me to pay child support, he has a very well paying job, so he says he doesn't need anything from me....yet, I feel I need to do more for them..and hubby makes me feel guilty if I even suggest spending any of "our" money on them....18 year old is graduating this year, I feel I should give him a substantial graduation present...but, I am scared to even bring the topic up with hubby....I wish that I had a way to squirrel some money away, save it without him getting upset with me...
Oh, well...I can only do what I can....I sure do love my kids and I miss them...I feel like I am losing out in their lives...(the oldest 2)....it causes me a lot of anxiety, that is for sure. I just wish they knew how much I love them, how much I worry about them, how much I wish I could give them the world.
Well, work is waiting on me....I have got to buckle down and get this project done.