Tuesday, January 6, 2009

How's it going?



Sorry I have been M.I.A lately....I am entering my extremely busy renewal time at work, files stacked up to my chin, with data entry to do...very long, tedious process. I am working through my lunch....and I am so tired, I am sitting here contemplating running down to the Village Pantry for a Red Bull...coffee is just not cutting it. I haven't been sleeping well, practically none for the past two nights....exhaustion is a word that describes me well. I think I will be taking myself a sleeping pill tonight...insomnia and I are not friends!

Guess I still have a lot on my mind...still haven't quite got over my 18 year olds behavior Christmas night. I think indirectly it affected 14 year old as well. I call to talk to them, conversation seems forced/strained....I asked 14 year old if he was going to come up for the weekend, he usually says yes, but this time...he hesitated adn said "I will try"....so, I doubt that he will be up. Sigh...I just don't know what to do...I feel like somehow, since I didn't give them this big Christmas, that I have let them down. The ex doesn't require me to pay child support, he has a very well paying job, so he says he doesn't need anything from me....yet, I feel I need to do more for them..and hubby makes me feel guilty if I even suggest spending any of "our" money on them....18 year old is graduating this year, I feel I should give him a substantial graduation present...but, I am scared to even bring the topic up with hubby....I wish that I had a way to squirrel some money away, save it without him getting upset with me...

Oh, well...I can only do what I can....I sure do love my kids and I miss them...I feel like I am losing out in their lives...(the oldest 2)....it causes me a lot of anxiety, that is for sure. I just wish they knew how much I love them, how much I worry about them, how much I wish I could give them the world.

Well, work is waiting on me....I have got to buckle down and get this project done.

Dixiechick...out!

7 comments:

new diva said...

Oh Goodness, hang in there. You are not a bad mom, they are just going through growing pains and finding their independence. It WILL get better. Sorry, your hubby doesn't understand your wish to do more for them...I know (more than you could understand) how hard that can be on everyone. I hope things look up for you soon.

Big Pissy said...

I am really sorry you're going through this.

Blended families and finances practically always equal problems.

Been there....

Sicilian said...

Dix . . . stop beating yourself up you can only do what you can do. Current hubby isn't going to get it. . . . and you know what. . . . even when you do all you can. . . . . . which I really do try. . . it still bites you in the butt. . . .
Your sleep patterns can be helped by chamomile tea. . . . it really does relax you. . . . I take it nightly before bed to help me sleep.
Ciao

i beati said...

i certainly would write those thoughts with the graduation gift..sandy

Flat Coke and Flies said...

Kids always come around...it just takes awhile. You're doing great. Hang in there.

Bradley's Mom said...

Just stopping in to say hi!

I hope things will get better for you!
Hang in there!
xoxo

Raquel said...

Dixie: I can totally relate. Happy New Year to you and your family. xoxo