Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Is there life out there???

I try and put on a brave, happy front..but, really...I am just going through the motions...things haven't been so good for me lately...with my life. I know I have touched on my being sick...marital spats...etc...etc...but, I feel like I am missing something in my life....I feel depressed...out of sorts. I look back over my life, and at almost 38 years old...I feel like I should have more, be more, do more, with my life and for my children then what I have...I have been divorced twice, married to the third husband...and I am worried about the status of our relationship at the moment. We fight..a lot. A lot more than the kids should see or hear, a lot more than "normal loving" couples should. I don't understand why he has to be so short and hateful all of the time. He doesn't see it....he doesn't see he does anything wrong....I am not bashing, don't think that....I am just as much at fault....I spend so much of every moment of my life, working toward pleasing work, at home, my kids, my husband....I don't even know who "I am" anymore...I feel a crossroads that I don't know which direction to go. I want things to be better...I want my relationship with my kids and my husband to be better. I am often short tempered and low on patience myself...maybe I am depressed. I don't know. My husband doesn't believe in medicating for depression, or talking to someone, like a, that isn't an option for me...I have no friends, my mom has enough problems with my brother, who is going through a seperation and possible divorce at the moment, so I can't go to her...I don't know what to do.
I function better when Hubby and I are on an even keel....when we are communicating...loving one another. But, lately...seems like all we do is fight and piss each other off. It has always been that way between us. We may go four/five months...with every thing going along ok..then we the silliest, most inconsequential thing, sets us off and we are totally hating one another.
I thought that once I lost weight....he would appreciate me more, that things would be better between us...I have lost 26 lbs...I am now down to 118 lbs...and things seem to be worse than ever. Instead of being proud, I feel like he resents me for it. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. We went away a couple weekends ago, as those of you that read my blog know we do from time to time...but, it wasn't quite the same...
My oldest two children..I hardly ever see..I feel like my 18 year old is lost from me...I call him, he barely had two words to say to me....I know he is developing his own life...and I understand that, but I also feel like, at the moment, there is no place for me in it. I miss him....I sit here right now, in tears...feeling like my heart is ripped out of my chest...I haven't spoke to him in a week...I miss him....hubby went to bed, angry at me again.....not speaking to me..his last words were, "I guess we are going to be at war with each other for another month"...??????Why? I don't understand......The eight year old has strep...I am worried about the rest of us getting it....Seems like I just can't win.

I find myself thinking of the song by Reba McEntire..."Is there life out there?".....that most definitely is my theme song for the moment....


She married when she was twenty
She thought she was ready
Now she's not so sure
She thought she'd done some living
But now she's just wonderin'
What she's living for
Now she's feeling that there's something more

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

She's always lived for tomorrow
She's never learned how
To live for today
She's dyin' to try something foolish
Do something crazy
Or just get away
Something for herself for a change

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

There's a place in the sun that she's never been
Where life is fair and time is a friend
Would she do it the same as she did back then
She looks out the window and wonders again

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

(By has been removed)


Flat Coke and Flies said...

Dixie...I am sorry you feeling this way. I am also sorry you don't feel like there is any other OPTIONS for you right now. I am not a huge advocate of antidepressants but they certainly do have their place. Don't say you don't have friends because you do...BLOGGER FRIENDS ARE STILL FRIENDS. I know we are complete strangers but there is still a connection with all of us.

As far as the know him better than any of us. You know what pushes his buttons and what brings him closer to you. That's a big decision to make on what the outcome will be...

You will find your way...strong women always do.

Whitenoise said...

Hey, hope things get better...

Blissfully Wed said...

I care and hope things get better your way. Congrats on the weight loss. That's a wonderful accomplishment for you.

My best to you. It's a shame life has to be so tough sometimes.

dkuroiwa said...

If I could reach through this blogosphere to you, I would just give you the biggest hug and I would say that you DO have friends...all of us who come here, are your friends. Don't ever forget that. I know it's hard sometimes and life and all the crap that comes with it does tend to get a person down. We all go through it in our own ways...and we deal with it the best that we can.
I'm with FlatCoke in that antidepressants do have a place...they do help and it might be something to look into.
You be strong....whenever I feel as if I have no one else to turn to, I usually find myself at a church. I don't talk to anyone (the language barrier would be just too difficult), but...sitting there in that place that is so peaceful and full of love, it helps me to get back to "me". I go...and just sit...and think...and breathe...breathing is good.
You find your might help.

Jamie said...

You do have friends and a support system in your blogging friends Dixie. Maybe you need some "you" time to kinda sort things out? I'm hoping things get better for you soon.

fairytalesandmargaritas said...

Lots of hugs. Is your hubby opposed to YOU going to therapy? By yourself? They might be able to teach you some coping/communication techniques. Also, I've learned to just ignore things that my hubby says sometimes. Yes, they can be mean and uncalled for, but it's just easier to forget them than to get into a fight where we're both at odds. Sometimes we've just got to let the little stuff go.

As for your oldest son, does he text, do you? I've had some great conversations w/ the young ones that way.

Sicilian said...

Dix. . . can I give some advice as a pleaser myself . . . first. . . . you have to take care of you. . . . no matter what hubby believes . . . you can go to your primary doctor and tell the doc what it is you think. . . . they can refer you or they can try prescribe something. . .
Your son is another issue. . . you kind of have to stand in his shoes. . . look at the situation from his eyes. . . . and maybe it will help.
I would bet there is a lot of resentment to the other boys. . . but the big thing is that he is growing up. . . I don't speak to my grown daughter near as much as I'd like. . . not that we don't love each other . . . but I know she is building a life with husband and that is ok.
I think you and hubby need to talk about how to stop the fighting cycle. . . . I would be miserable if I couldn't make him happy. . . .
My last comment is about friends. . . you need someone that you can connect with that is a female. It needs to be someone other than family. It will take some effort on your part. . . . and you will become vulnerable. . . . join a gym. . . a yoga class. . . a craft class. . . volunteer to sit with an elderly person. . . do something for someone else and you will meet people and feel better about yourself.
I think blogging is also a great way to vent feelings. . . we are all honest and understanding. . . you have friends. . . we just can't reach through the words to give you a hug. . .

The Wife said...

I am in full agreement with Silician. You must take care of yourself first. You can't help others if you, yourself, are not in good shape. If that means being placed on medication or seeing a counselor, then do it. Don't let your husband's feelings regarding meds/counseling influence your needs.

I have learned with my husband that sometimes I have to be the bigger person. If we get in an agrument, especially over something small and irrelevant, I think to myself, is winning this really worth it? what am I accomplishing by continuing to be mad? Then I explain to the husband my feelings. I don't blame him for anything. Just explain when such and such was said, this is how I felt. He usually has some rebuttable, then I reiterate that I understand what he was trying to say, but that is not how I took it. Our communication has gotten muchos better but we've been together for 13 years.

I really wish you all the best.

i beati said...

Great son- take it from someone who has been in 2 relationships nealy perfect- I always wanted more and thus drove a stake of contention in the relationship--- Women do want the maternal always. Rarely does my son say something to enlighten me- that's the male- what are your expectations-?? take a time a weekend , a week go off by yourelf - make it happen- Remember you only get one go round in t his life. I have cancer and I refuse to have negativity in my life. I deserve more and stay away from

Big Pissy said...

You've gotten some great advice from all the other comments.

PLEASE take care of yourself. You have to put yourself first sometimes...even if it seems selfish to you.

My first husband was opposed to my taking any type of medication for depression or anxiety...I suffered for YEARS...from panic attacks, etc...b/c he didn't approve of medication for my problems. So I know a little about what you're going through.

Please email me if you ever want someone to talk with about anything at all. You DO have friends. :)




Ann(ie) said...

oh girlie. I'm so sorry. =/ You have a great group of readers that are doling out some good advice!! I do like the idea of you going to therapy if he's cool with that? Maybe just to get it all out so you feel sane. BIG HUGS and know we're here to listen anytime you need to dish. xo.

iseattleite said...

I am so sorry that you're feeling this way Dixie. I can relate though. I've been going through my own things and haven't had the courage to write about them. I commend you for doing that. We are all here to listen to you anytime you want to vent. I know that I have been a little out of touch lately, but I still read your blog and think you are one of the coolest bloggers out there. I'm always just a point and click away if you need someone to listen to you. HUGS. xoxoxox :)

Toni said...

I hate it that you are feeling this way. I hate it that your life isn't rosy and sweet like you.

About the meds, I say sneak and take them. Men do not get to run our lives- regardless of what they think.

I think you are incredibly brave for posting this raw and truthful piece and my heart is breaking for you now.

I hope that you know that so many of us DO care, D.

Good luck.

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

If the depression doesn't pass, seek help. It was the best thing I ever did. Hubby also finally felt the flames at his fingertips and went to the doctor. Doc told him"you have a restless spirit. We have a pill for that now" We are now doing better together than we have in a couple of years, and we both feel normal, like ourselves again. The stress of life had gotten to us, gotten us in a cycle we couldn't break. Better living, through chemistry if necessary.
Hang in there!
Blog Hoppin
Kudzu Queen

PennsylvaniaBelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.